Sigh…life…quiet reflection…I seem to be doing it a lot lately. And yet, for the first time in my life, I’m also sharing my happiness, my pains, my confliction, and quite simply myself with others. And while I still look within for my final answers, gone are the days of internalizing my fears and my problems.
Emotionally healthy? Yeah, I think so. Probably more than I’ve ever been in my life. Is it true does with age come wisdom? Well anyone who knows me, knows I lie about my age….fuck I’m not even consistent with what age I say I am…do I even know anymore. In light of same, maybe I am just a little more ahead of the game than anyone thinks, including myself. So besides that perpetual age untruth, I’m not lying to myself anymore or anyone else for that matter.
Destination Los Angeles was the best move I’ve ever made. Why did I come? I make it no mystery…I was dying creatively, slowly and painfully on the East Coast and I came to feed my spirit and to surround myself with creative thinkers and free spirits. And while I left with an aching in my heart, the end of that era was long overdue and I’d already experienced most of the pains of the end of it. Leaving was cathartic…healing…surprisingly easy. I could have landed here and become anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, I like myself just fine for who I am, always staying true to myself.
What have I accomplished in a year? Oh my God – it’s been just about a year, about a week shy of when I waved goodbye to Miami and didn’t look back. I’ve met a slew of new people….fast talkers, fast thinkers, creative spirits, beautiful people, ugly people, wonderful people, disheartening people, awesome people, lame people, cool people, shallow people, fun people, and all those opportunists. A coven of wonderful women…not literally, but somehow we all seem to be connected spiritually. Lara, Libby, Taryn, Kari, Jill, Deanne, Monica, Denise, Heather, Erin, Diana, Stacey, Marybeth, Mary, Jahna, Janell (with the twin sis Jaime….uh….creepy), Meg, Anna, Sarah, Molly….all fucking bitchin’ women. And new boyz…OMG so many boyz…and as usual for me, the ratio of men to women is more so I’m not even gonna fatten all their egos by naming them here. Some fun for the moment, some perfect distractions, some undoubtedly new lifelong friends.
Gone are my fears of the “what ifs?” My beloved Fred Troxel put it best when he said “you can’t worry so much about what could happen, because you’ll jump to conclusions and miss what IS happening.” We spend our lives staying stagnant and worrying about taking a step or speaking our minds because we’ve already predetermined the underlying outcome. We own other peoples feelings and instead of learning lessons, we carry over our flaws and the perhaps mistakes or flaws of others into new situations and scenarios. The scenarios are never the same…they are, albeit, similar but they are not the same. Learn the lessons, continue to grow….move on….for craps sake.
I’ve done so much of what I intended to do. I’ve sung a lot…I’m still writing a lot…I’m formulating plans, and I’m taking action…I’m healthy emotionally and physically…I’ve kicked ass and taken names…I’ve broken hearts, but am shielding mine less and less…because I’m not afraid anymore. My wounds have healed. I’m sharing myself somewhat unconditionally, which is new territory for me. I’ve lived, not just existed…I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve loved, I’ve guided, I’ve listened to myself and others. I’m comfortable in my own skin, I took the power back, I’m loving my life and ready to share it with my new friends, my new loves…anyone who will listen. I AM FEEDING MY SPIRIT and MY HEART IS FULL OF LOVE!