My friend Lara decided she was gonna get a tattoo and needed me to accompany her for moral support. Meh, why not, I didn’t have anything more exciting to do that September afternoon. So I met her at a tattoo shop in Studio City, CA and was promptly told that due to OSHA regulations, I couldn’t actually sit with her…I had to wait out front. Ughhhhhhh…so instead of her letting me go on my way, she insists I wait for her in the waiting room. Thus, I sit in the waiting room and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait…
Lucky for me, Lara had decided to get an intricate, complicated tattoo that was likely to take several hours. As I waited, I watched as various people paraded through the doors, thumbed through the volumes of flash tattoos, and conversed amongst themselves. I listened intently to the tattoo artists spilling out stories of botched ink jobs, celebrities that had been on the other end of their respective needles, and people passing out from the pain of the tattooing. A young girl came in accompanied by a parent to pierce her tongue…I noticed her leave with a “what the hell did I do that for?!” look on her face.
I chatted intermittently with the “piercer” … how could his name escape me now after he inflicted so much pain upon me?! We engaged in small talk about nothing in particular. I was clearly bored out of my skull and he obviously felt the need to entertain me. As he began to walk away I said “hey, let’s pierce something.” He turned rather abruptly and said “really? What do you wanna pierce?” I replied with a “I dunno, how ’bout a nipple.” He said “ok, but you can’t do one, you have to do both.” I contemplated this for a second and then said “nah, I’m ok with just one.” At this point all the other inkers, having overheard this conversation, chimed in with “noooooo, you HAVE to do both, otherwise you look uneven.” “FINE” I exclaimed, “we’ll do both.”
I filled out various forms promising to hold the “piercer” harmless for any suffering I was bound to endure from him stabbing a needle through my nips. He scurried off to get his area “ready” and then brought me back. As I passed Lara, who was in an abundance of pain herself, I said “gonna pierce my nipples.” She said “WHAT?!” And I said, “yeah, I’m bored, why not.” the “piercer” sat me down in a sort of dentist-like chair and proceeded to “mark me up” in sharpie…yes, that was after he sort of “felt me up” first. But, I wasn’t offended…how could I be? I mean, he was inked and pierced himself, he was obviously a professional. He clamped my right nipple with some sort of vice grip thingy and without warning jammed a large needle through it. “FUCK!!” I believe is what I exclaimed in excrutiating pain. The “piercer” sort of chuckled as he secured the ring in me. As he proceeded to set up for the other side I said “there’s no way in hell I’m doing the other one.” He said “oh, c’mon you can’t wuss out now!!” Fucker had to take it there…so I said “FINE, let’s get this over with.” He went about on the left nipple as he had on the right and I let out a blood-curdling scream similar to the sound a wounded animal might make. The “piercer” said “sorry, I forgot to tell you the second one hurts worse than the first.” He FORGOT to tell me this??!! I can only deduce that after my body experienced the initial pain it went into some sort of immediate shock because oddly, I didn’t feel pain at all in either nipple at this point. I got up from the chair a little weak, not at all accomplished, and probably with the same “what the hell did I do that for” look on my face as the girl that had stumbled out earlier with the tongue piercing. A guy getting some ink handed me his card…he was a porn director and thought my blood curdling scream was in some way sexy. I’m sure the fact that I must have looked green at that point was also frighteningly sexy.
I walked by Lara who merely said “You’re crazy.” Yeah, like I needed a reminder. In fact, I have two constant reminders of just how crazy I can be.