Just More to Love

I pride myself on the fearless choices I’ve made in my life. That’s not to say I wouldn’t do some things differently if I had the chance to do them over again, but when I’ve followed my instincts and made bold moves, I’ve always come out ahead. My life has changed on a dime more than once and I’ve been fortunate to have been able to easily adapt to those changes.

I’m of the opinion that everyone wants to know “Rock Star You” … not “Whining Every 4 Minutes in Facebook Status Updates You”. I am about to, however, shatter the façade of “Rock Star Me”. While I am unabashedly confident and bold in many ways, I hide in shame behind the negative body image I have of myself. I’ve had it for most of my adult life. I was a dancer as a kid, and a cheerleader (yep, I admit that too) and was pretty fortunate to have been slender most of my life. At 21 I weighed 100 lbs and dated a guy for many years who insisted on telling me nearly every day that I was fat. I wonder if that’s where it all started?!

I vigorously worked out through my mid-20’s. But, into my late-20’s I got lazy and packed on way more weight than I was ever accustomed to. It was short lived and came off in no time. In fact, I didn’t even dedicate any sort of diet or exercise to it, just added a lil’ stress and increased activity and it melted off.

Then in my early 30’s I did it again … gaining even more weight than the last time. I sat around ashamed of my weight gain for about 3 years until I finally got off my fat ass and got motivated. This time it required some diet and exercise, but, again, it came off quickly.

I am now 43 (whoops – look at that, I admitted my age too).  My body is changing again. I’ve gained weight and while I’m not as heavy as that high point in my 30’s, I’m also not nearly as svelte as my 5’ 3” frame wants to be. I also live in Los Angeles where it’s hard not to get caught up in looking good even if you’re not an actor – besides, you never know when you might end up on a red carpet with press blinding you with picture snapping. And as I move decade to decade, my metabolism changes and it’s just not coming off no matter what I do. …Step away from the cupcake…

I’ve been thinking about all this because not only do I have a loving boyfriend who tells me every single solitary day “baby you look cute”, “baby you look skinny”, “baby you’re beautiful”, but essentially a stranger told me I looked nice the other day and rather than say “thank you” – I told him he was a liar – he quipped “you have a really negative image of yourself and you shouldn’t”. That very same day, some woman at a thrift store also told me I looked nice and again instead of merely saying “thank you” I looked at her puzzled and questioned in my head why she would say such a thing.

WHAT THE SHIT FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH ME?!

I recently watched this Ted Talk feature by Gala Darling – a saucy gal whose blog I’ve enjoyed for some time. She made me remember that we should absolutely have radical self love for ourselves. I remembered that “You know what? I AM a Rock Star!!!!!” … and not just in my own mind! I’ve done some amazing things in my life and I have more in the works that are blowing even my own mind. I am fearless and I am fucking awesome and who gives a rats ass if I’ve gained a few pounds – It’s just a little more OF me and a little more FOR me to LOVE!!

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